


Dirty Rat

by ValkerieRupert



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Pearl (Steven Universe), Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Autistic Sapphire (Steven Universe), Bittersweet Ending, Cheating, F/F, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Past Child Abuse, Past Pearl/Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), Pearl's POV, Sad Pearl (Steven Universe), Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Pearl (Steven Universe), Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-05 07:01:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16805755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkerieRupert/pseuds/ValkerieRupert
Summary: What happens when you put a rat in a box with nothing but a button that, when pressed, gives them food?They press it a few times, eventually get bored.What if the button only produces food sometimes?The rat will keep pressing the button for as long as it can.Pearl was born in 1996, also known as the year of the rat.How fitting.





	1. Introduction

What happens when you give a rat a button?

In 1954, scientists did exactly that. They set up a device so that when the button was pressed, the rat was given food. If the rat was stuck in a box with nothing except the button, they would eventually decide to press it out of boredom. When the food came, they would eat the food and then press the button again to see if more food came. This cycle would continue for a while, until eventually the rats got bored of the food or decided they had had enough.

However, if the button only produced food some of the time, either on a set timer or at random intervals, the rat would keep pressing for much longer. Even if it didn’t want any more food, it would continue pressing just to see if the food would come.

In this regard, humans are not unlike rats.

Humans go through situations not unlike this one all the time, simply replacing the ‘rat’ with a person, the ‘button’ - that is, the task that generates reward - with any task that humans do, and the ‘food’ - that is, the reward - with any item that humans find rewarding.

Take, for example, a game. It can be a video game, a board game, or a sports game, it does not matter. The only requirement is that it is a game you can win, or at least get a new high score in, rather than a game that is played purely for enjoyment. In this case, the ‘button’ is playing the game, and the reward is the satisfaction of winning.

If you are exceptionally skilled at this game, then you will win a few times, but eventually get bored and seek something more challenging. If it is a video game, you will raise the difficulty level or play a more difficult game; if it is a board game, you will play a more difficult game or find opponents who are more skilled; and if it is a team sport such as basketball, you will try to find opponents who are better at basketball, or at least sit out a few games so the other team can have a fair chance.

But if you only win some of the time, you will keep playing for as long as you can, or until you are skilled enough to win almost every time. The reward of winning is rarer, so when it does come, it feels so amazing that you keep doing it, even if you’ve actually lost more than you gained. Why do you think so many people are addicted to gambling? They love the rush of a jackpot so much that they don’t stop and think about whether that one jackpot actually makes up for all the money they’ve spent trying to get there.

In this case, the ‘rat’ is a woman.

She’s a skinny, flat-chested woman of average height, with strawberry blonde hair in a pixie cut. She has piercing blue eyes and a pointy nose. That woman is me. My name’s … well, that’s a whole nother kettle of fish. Probably either Pink or Crystal? Or maybe Red, if you want to be technical. For now, you can just call me Pearl. That’s my surname.

The ‘button’ is moving back to Beach City, leaving my three older sisters behind, and continuing to live there long after it has become clear that I was better off living with my sisters.

And the reward?

Well, that’s a combination of force of habit and me being in denial.

I used to be showered with love and affection every time I came here. Then...one time I found something that made me want to leave and never come back. Around a year later, something happened that took away the reason I used to come here in the first place. And yet somehow, I came back and I stayed. Now I wish I'd never come here, but I don't have the courage to tell my sisters I was wrong and move back.

How did all of this happen?

Well, I suppose I’d better start at the beginning.

It started, like most of the worst things in my life, when I was six years old.


	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl thinks back on how she found herself moving to Beach City.

When I was six years old, I lived in the Philippines with my father. I didn’t know who my mother was; Papa always refused to tell me. We were a family of five - Mr. Pearl, White Pearl, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, and Red Pearl.

Red is my birth name, and White, Blue, and, Yellow are my sisters. Papa had a weird thing for colour names. White was the oldest, at nine years old, and she was in her last year of elementary school. She was about to start middle school and she was determined to make sure everyone thought of her as a grown-up. She did her own hair and make-up, with the result that she looked like a drowned rat more often than not.

Blue and Yellow were the eight-year-old twins. On TV, twins are either exactly alike or polar opposites and constantly fighting. I guess Blue and Yellow, back then, where kind of both. They were always arguing, but God they might as well have been clones. They liked the exact same things at the exact same time. Yellow decided My Little Pony was stupid and Barbie was better, Blue would instantly throw out all her ponies. 

Then there was me. I was the lone boy of the family, I suppose. I wasn’t really a boy, but I thought I was and my whole family thought I was, so for all intents and purposes I was.

My sisters and I went to the same elementary school, so our father normally walked us down there. On this particular day, White was taking the day off to go to an orientation for her middle school next year. 

I don’t know all the details. I don’t know what color the car was. I don’t know if it happened on the way to the middle school or on the way back to pick us up. All I know is that my sisters and I had to be taken out of class because our sister and father had been hit by a car.

White was lucky. She ended up with serious scarring on the left side of her face, severe enough that she lost all vision in her left eye, but...she survived. 

Papa didn’t.

At first we were going to be placed in a foster home, but eventually they managed to get hold of my mother who lived in the United States of America. She was okay at first, except for one thing: She didn’t want us to talk about Papa. 

Or the Philippines, or anything related to him really. White was allowed to say she lost her vision in a car accident but no further specifics were permitted. None of us were allowed to tell anyone about our lives before we moved in with her.

I obeyed that rule until my freshman year of high school.

Rose Quartz is a girl I met in elementary school on my first day after I went to America. She was a giant of a woman with curly blonde hair that she started dyeing pink in middle school. We were best friends all through my school years, and in year eight we started dating. By some miracle, we were still together all through high school.

I told her in a conversation about Thanksgiving. She asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving, and I said that my mother was going to make us have a feast, but that if I had a choice I wouldn’t really celebrate.

She asked me why and I chuckled. “Well...Mom says I’m not allowed to tell anyone this, but...my sisters and I aren’t exactly from America.”

“Wait, really?”

“We used to live in the Philippines until our dad died. But don’t tell anyone.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

That wasn’t a terribly major confession, but it was the first time I disobeyed my mother, and it paved the way for me to talk to Rose about more of my secrets.

It was a few months later, still in my freshman year, when I told Rose the biggest secret of my life: That I was transgender.

She was supportive, of course, but there was only so much she could do to help me, which was virtually nothing. Eventually, in my sophomore year, I took the chance and told my family.

Big mistake.

On one hand, my sisters took it well. On the other, my mother sure as hell didn’t.

I think at that moment she just sort of lost it. That was the first time she ever physically hurt me. 

It wasn’t the last.

When I turned eighteen, I moved in with Rose’s parents to escape. But eventually Rose got a job opportunity - in Beach City. She moved away from her parents, and I stayed behind; I couldn’t bare to leave my sisters. I felt awkward living in her house without her, so I moved in with White, Blue, and Yellow, who were now living together. Rose and I stayed as long-distance girlfriends. 

We talked on Facebook every single day, and at least once a week I called her and we would talk for hours, just because I needed to hear her voice. Every three months or so, I would go to Beach City to visit her for around a week or two. 

We were nineteen when it stopped.

How did it stop? Well, it went something like this:

  * I went to her house, as usual
  * We were kissing
  * A man I didn’t recognize walked in and gasped, “Rose! Are you cheating on me?!”



The man was named Greg Universe, and I soon discovered that he was Rose’s boyfriend. He knew she was bi, but he had no idea about me. I had no idea about him. She had manipulated us both.

I stormed out and went back home. The next day, once I had cooled down a little, I called her and apologized for my anger. She apologized for cheating on me. She said we could still be friends, and I was desperate enough to continue the friendship, despite the fact that she was still dating Greg.

Two months later, I saw her Facebook announcement about her pregnancy. I never commented or liked a post about it, but I tracked every single post she made related to the pregnancy, not knowing whether to be happy or disgusted. 

Then came the announcement that she had died due to complications with the birth. I cried my eyes out but I never got the courage to tell my sisters. I hadn’t even told them about the cheating, or the breakup. As far as they knew we were still dating.

So when I told them I was moving to Beach City, they assumed I was going to live with Rose.

The truth? I had been lazily browsing Facebook and I had seen a post by Amethyst, one of the people I had met on my visits to Beach City, saying her roommate had moved out and she was struggling with rent and not used to living alone. Beach City had been my safe space for so long, I couldn’t say no. I PM’d her to see if she was still looking for a roommate, and she said she was and asked if I was interested.

Less than a week later, I was on a train to Beach City. 

The first important thing happened when I called her to ask if she could pick me up from the station.


	3. The Job Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl gets a job working at Beach City Hotel

When Amethyst told me that she would come to pick me up in a grey car, I started to worry. Half of the cars in the car park were grey. It had been almost two years since we saw each other, and we had never had any notable interactions. Would she recognize me? I had almost completely changed my style of clothing after the breakup with Rose, and I had also gotten a haircut. How much had she changed? She had been seventeen the last time I saw her, so she would be nineteen now.

I waited in the car park for a while, anxiously peering into the windows of every grey car I saw. Finally a woman called out to me. “Hey, P!”

“Amethyst?” I asked as I turned to face her. She nodded and led me back to her car. She had changed a little since we last talked, but not by much. Her far-too-big grey tank top had been replaced by a white one that fit slightly better, and she had a new pair of black leggings that weren’t torn like the old ones.

The main thing that threw me off was her hair. It was the same dark, almost black color it had been, but while before it had been medium-length, it now almost reached her knees. But was still her.

“Good to see ya, P,” she said as I got into the car and she started driving. “I know you’re a clean freak, so here’s your warning: My old roommate was almost as much of a slob as I am and I was too busy with work and stuff to clean out your room. Do you have a job here yet?”

“Not yet,” I muttered, trying to ignore the rush of anxiety her words gave me. Would I be able to get a job? Shaking my head, I continued, “I’m sure I’ll find one. So...how was your old roommate?”

“Eh, she was okay. I guess. Kind of a jerk, though. I only let her stay with me ‘cause she’s a cousin.”

“Oh,” I muttered, trying to keep the conversation going. “Do you have many relatives in Beach City?”

“Nah...used to have loads of sisters here but they all went and moved. They work at a zoo now, I think. You?”

“No...Where do you work?”

“I work at EB Games, it’s awful. So...how’ve you been doing since the breakup?”

I gulped. “You know about all that?”

“Yeah, well, Greg and I were friends before he met Rose, and Rose and I were cousins-in-law. It was kinda impossible for them to both not tell me.”

“That makes sense, I suppose. I just...don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“That’s fair. Sorry for bringing it up. We’re almost there.”

“Right.”

We arrived at the house shortly, and Amethyst helped me carry my bags into my room. It really was a mess. Food wrappers littered the floor, the walls covered in stains, and there was blood on the ceiling. Why was there blood on the ceiling? For a second I hoped it was just menstrual blood, then I realized that made even less sense.

“You gonna clean now?” asked Amethyst.

I shook my head. “I’ll do all that tomorrow. I think I’m gonna have an early night tonight.”

She rolled her eyes. “Dude, it’s only, like, eight.”

“Well, I’m going to have a big day tomorrow. I have to fill out some job applications, clean the room, and unpack my stuff.”

“Ugh, whatevs. When are you planning on getting up.”

“...Seven.” I lied. Amethyst gave me a look and I blushed. “Fine, six.”

“Yeesh, that’s early...Do me a favor and wake me up at nine if I’m still in bed? My work starts at ten and if I’m late again I might get fired.”

“Will do.”

She exited the room and I quickly opened one of my bags. I took out a set of teal pajamas with yellow stars on them, a pastel pink pillow case, and everything else I needed to go to bed. I made the bed, got changed into my pyjamas, and went to sleep.

When I woke up at five the next morning, I was momentarily terrified by the bloodstain on the ceiling. That was the point where I decided I had to clean the room.

Being careful not to wake Amethyst, I snuck down to the kitchen and borrowed her cleaning supplies. For a moment I felt bad about not asking her permission, but then I realised she had probably never used it.

The bloodstain was a nightmare to get out, but the stains on the walls were pretty easy. After that I just had to pick up all of the rubbish and put it in the bin. The room was clean by six, and since I had already started cleaning I decided to do the rest of the house.

By the time I finished it was almost time to wake Amethyst, so I spent a few minutes browsing the Internet on my phone to pass the time. When nine finally came, I cautiously pushed her bedroom door open. “Uh, Amethyst? It’s nine o’clock.”

Amethyst sleepily sat up, groaning. “There’s coffee in the kitchen,” I muttered.

After around half an hour she had woken up enough to notice how much nicer the house looked. “Woah, did you clean all this?”

“Yeah…” I muttered. “I cleaned my room and then I just ended up doing the rest.”

“Cool. Didja finally manage to get out that bloodstain?”

“Yes...It was difficult though. How did it even get there?”

“Eh, blame Jas.”

I didn’t ask who Jas was. Pretty soon Amethyst left for work, which reminded me of my most pressing issue: My unemployment. I booted up my laptop and started searching for jobs. I sent out a few applications, reasoning that I would send more once it was clear none of them were intending on getting back to me. Having done that, I checked my bank account and cringed. I had two hundred dollars left. I was starting to regret quitting my old job to come here. I had to get a job, and soon.

As it happened, by some stroke of luck, I received a phone call the next day from one of the jobs I had applied to asking if I was still looking for an interview. I of course said yes, and the woman on the other end asked when the best time would be. I requested that it simply be as soon as possible, and she scheduled an interview for ten the next day.

The next day, Amethyst noticed my professional-looking white blouse, black blazer, and black skirt as I woke her up, and grinned. “Who’s your date, P?”

I blushed. “Nobody. I have a job interview.”

“Geez, already? What’s the job?”

“Housekeeping,” I explained. “At Beach City hotel.”

“Cool, do you want a lift?”

I shrugged. “I need to be there at ten, so you’ll probably have to go to your work.”

“Nah, it’s on the way. If I give you a lift you’ll be five minutes early though.”

“Alright, thanks.”

When I arrived for my interview, I was greeted by a a short pale woman with wavy blonde hair that covered her face wearing an elegant blue dress. She sat down at one end of the table and I sat at the other.

“So,” she began. “Miss Pearl. You’re here hoping to be a housekeeper for this hotel?”

I nodded weakly, and I realized the questions were about to begin. I promised myself I would tell the truth.

“Alright. My name is Sapphire. So, why did you apply for this job in particular?”

 _I was broke and I applied for fifty jobs at once, you’re just the only one who got back to me._ “Well, I am very skilled and devoted to making sure my house is always clean, and I thought that this job would be in my skill set.”

“Interesting.” She wrote something down on her paper. “What would you say is your biggest weakness?”

 _Literally everything about me._ “I’m a perfectionist,” _Wait, no, that’s what everyone says._ “I know a lot of people probably come in and say that perfectionism is a weakness when in reality they’re just trying to convince you that they’ll do a better job, but for me it really is a weakness. I tend to focus too much on one perceived imperfection in the task I’m completing, and I’m so busy trying to get it right that I end up having a meltdown instead of finishing the task.”

_Nice save, Pearl, but now she thinks you’re going to be bursting into tears all the time if you can’t get everything perfect!_

“Hmm,” says Sapphire, jotting down more notes. “What do you enjoy doing outside of work?”

 _Cleaning up after my roommate’s cousin that leave blood everywhere._ “I enjoy reading non-fiction books and hand-sewing.”

“Alright then. What would you do if a guest was harassing you?”

“I would do my best to comply with their requests, but if they were behaving in a way that made me feel extremely unsafe I would ask them to leave, and contact my supervisor if necessary.” I conveniently left out the part where, having satisfied the guest or forced them to leave, I find a coworker who would be willing to cover me and go to the bathroom and cry.

“Okay. I only have one more question for you. A snail is at the bottom of a 30-foot well. Each day he climbs up three feet, but at night he slips back two feet. How many days will it take him to climb out of the well?”

 _What the heck does this have to do with working as a housekeeper?!?!_ “Umm...Well, if he moves three feet upwards in one day and then slides down two feet, then after twenty-four hours it would move up one foot, so it would take thirty days.”

“Thank you, Miss Pearl. Now, do you -”

“Wait!” I exclaimed. “After the twenty-seventh day it would be twenty-seven feet up, so on the twenty-eighth day it would move three feet in the day and get out of the well. After that, it wouldn’t slide down because it would already be out. So the answer is actually twenty-eight days.”

Sapphire cleared her throat. “Thank you, Miss Pearl. Now, do you have any questions for me?”

I considered this question for a few moments. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t have any questions, it was sifting out the ones that were and weren’t appropriate to ask. At last I questioned, “Is this workplace supportive of LGBT workers?”

As I started to internally regret asking such a question, a smile appeared on Sapphire’s lips. “Extremely so. I myself am happily married to a woman. We have a daughter around your age that lives with us.”

My one worry having been relieved, I smiled slightly.

“Now,” said Sapphire. “If there are no further questions…”

She paused to see if I had any further questions. As I shook my head, she continued. “Then you can start tomorrow at nine, if that’s okay with you. I will be your supervisor.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” I muttered. “I shall be here on time tomorrow, that you can count on.”

For a second I considered calling Amethyst to ask for a lift home, then quickly remembered that she was still at work and not getting home until six. I took a map of Beach City out of my pocket. I could have just used my mobile hotspot to look it up, but I preferred to have a paper copy. Our flat was a walking distance away, so I walked back and retreated to my room with a book about the history of China, because I figured knowing about the history of China might come in useful someday.

After a few hours my phone buzzed. I quickly checked my messages.

**Amethyst Quartz: hey p im on lunch now**

**Amethyst Quartz: how was the interview?**

**You: It went well, I got the job. I’m starting tomorrow. I have to be at work by nine so I won’t be able to wake you up anymore.**

**Amethyst Quartz: cant u just wake me up at 8:45**

**You: Then I’ll only have fifteen minutes to walk to work and there won’t be any buses that can get there in time.**

**Amethyst Quartz: nah bro ill give u a lift**

**You: Why don’t you just set an alarm on your phone?**

**Amethyst Quartz: i have one but i keep hitting snooze**

**You: Have you tried … not hitting snooze?**

**Amethyst Quartz: bro do u really think its that simple**

**You: Yes**

**You: If you want I can wake you up to give me a lift, but I’m not waking you up at quarter to nine. It takes you longer than that to wake up properly, which means that if you’re too tired to drive me then I don’t have time to walk. And I’m not getting in a car with you if you’re too tired.**

**Amethyst Quartz: Fine 8:30**

**You: Alright, but that would leave me a bit pressed for time if I end up having to walk so you’d better not cancel on me**

**Amethyst Quartz: deal**

**Amethyst Quartz: wait i know some1 who works at the hotel that u might have met 2day**

**Amethyst Quartz: shes blonde and has glasses and around my age**

**Amethyst Quartz: and a huuuge nerd**

**You: No, I have not met anyone by that description. How do you know her?**

**Amethyst Quartz: uhh shes my cousin’s ex girlfriend’s roommate**

**Amethyst Quartz: also she always buys stuff from ebgames when im working there**

**Amethyst Quartz: wait did u see garnets mum?**

**You: Maybe...don’t you mean mom?**

**Amethyst Quartz: no she has 2 moms and she calls 1 of them mum**

**Amethyst Quartz: shes like really pale and her bangs cover her face**

**You: Is her name Sapphire?**

**Amethyst Quartz: YESS**

**You: She’s my supervisor**

**Amethyst Quartz: oh man ur gonna love when u meet G**

**Amethyst Quartz: ok i have 2 go back 2 work now**

**Amethyst Quartz: bye**


	4. Last One Out of Beach City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl gets roped into attending a concert, where she meets a girl.  
> OR: 'Last One Out of Beach City', except the 'voice of reason' is still one year old and living with his dad, and the 'ultimate wingman' is drunk.

My first day at work was relatively uneventful until lunchtime. I swept the floors, made beds, the usual. It wasn’t until lunchtime that, as I was eating, someone tapped me on the shoulder. 

“Are you new here?”

I swallowed a mouthful of rice and nodded. “I’m the new housekeeper. This is my first day.”

“I’m the accountant.”

I stared at the girl. She was around the same height as Amethyst, but skinnier, though not as skinny as me. She had blonde hair that spiked up in a way that looked vaguely triangular, her bangs held in place by a triangular green hair clip. She was wearing a green t-shirt with a yellow diamond on it and a black skirt, along with bright green knee-high socks covered in yellow diamonds.

Blonde with glasses. That rung a bell.

“Can I ask you something strange?” I asked.

“Sure.”

“Does your roommate’s ex-girlfriend have a cousin named Amethyst?”

She flinched. “Wait, what? How did you know that? Are you secretly Sherlock?”

I chuckled. “No, she’s my roommate. She told me to be on the lookout for someone like you. I’m Pearl.” 

“My name’s Peridot. So, why did you decide to get a job here?”

“I recently moved here from Homeworld.”

“Oh, I grew up there. It’s awful, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is dreadful. I’m glad I’m here now.”

“So...do you like video games?”

I shook my head, cringing slightly. “I prefer to read, honestly.”

“You’re joking! Don’t you play video games at all?!”

“No, not really.” 

“Not even Pokémon?!”

“No, not even Pokémon. Although I did read a book about it once. Is it true that Satoshi Tajiri is autistic?”

“Yeah! Just like me!”

I blinked. “Wait, what?”

Peridot’s cheeks went red. “I’m...only a little bit autistic!”

“I’m on the autism spectrum too,” I countered. “And I’m sure that being ‘a little bit autistic’ is impossible.”

“Wait, you’re...autistic too?”

“Yes, I am. I was diagnosed when I was seven. It runs in the family from my father’s side.” Just mentioning him felt like a stab in the heart.

“Wow, didn't expect to meet someone like me here. I was diagnosed when I was fifteen.”

“I suppose it is interesting. I'd better get back to work now. See you tomorrow.”

“See you!”

Eventually, I got into the routine of things in Beach City. On Monday through to Saturday, I would wake up at five, make coffee, give the house a quick clean and read books. At six I would make breakfast, at six-thirty I would shower and get dressed, and then at eight-thirty, I would wake Amethyst up and once she was awake enough she would drive me to work. After work, I would walk home and read more while I waited for Amethyst. If she was back before six, I would make dinner with her and go to bed at around eight; if she wasn't, I made myself dinner and stayed up until ten - if she wasn't home by then it was her problem. On Sundays, I would go to church while Amethyst stayed in bed all day with a hangover.

The reason she was often out so late was that she would go out to parties and the like. At one point, she was going not to a party but a Mike Kroll concert. And she had two tickets.

I always hated concerts. I suggested she bring Peridot, or her old roommate, or one of her sisters, or her cousin’s girlfriend, or Garnet, or even Greg, but she insisted that we had to do something together as roommates. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the tickets were probably highly expensive and letting one of them go to waste would be unfair to Amethyst, so I tagged along.

Amethyst seemed not to care about how she looked for the concert, wearing her usual tank top and leggings. I at least put a little effort in, wearing jeans and a leather jacket.

On the way to the concert, we stopped at a store to get food and drinks, since the food at the concert would undoubtedly be overpriced. Normally I only drank water and coffee, but today I was feeling particularly adventurous, so I drank apple juice.

Then I saw someone who made me spit it out.

She was a giant of a woman, with green eyes, wild pink hair, and three piercings in each ear, along with a lip piercing. She was wearing a white crop top with rolled-up sleeves and grey pants, with a green jacket tied around her waist.

From the moment I first saw her, I knew two things:

  1. She was exactly the type of girl I told myself I would never fall for 
  2. I was falling for her 



Amethyst, who had already started drinking vodka, attempted to nudge me in the ribs and instead knocked over a chair. “P! You  _ like  _ her! You gotta talk to her, bro!”

“Fine,” I muttered, walking over to the girl. I tried to casually pick up a cup, then knocked the whole stack of cups over. Blushing furiously, I ran back to Amethyst. “Can we get to the concert now?”

“In a sec,” she muttered. “I gotta make a prank call.”

She took out her phone and dialed a number before holding it to her ear. “Hey...Peri... Is your microwave running?”

“It's _fridge,”_ I hissed.

“Sorry, I misspeaked. Is your microwave fridging?”

I bit my lip. She was clearly too drunk to drive, but I didn't have a license. I knew how to drive and I couldn't afford a cab, though, so I decided to take a chance and drive us.

We were halfway there when Amethyst frantically pointed out the window. “OMG P! Look! It's the girl!” 

I felt my cheeks going red. I looked out the window and sure enough, it was her riding a motorbike next to us.

“You gotta do something!”

“Like what? Flash my lights? Honk at her?”

“Just shoot her a look! ... Wait, not yet! Okay, okay. You can look... now!”

Nervously, I looked over at her. She looked back, smiling at me.

The concert went by mostly uneventful until I saw the girl again.

I grinned. “I'm going to talk to her.”

“Ooh, Pearlie’s girling for a lookfriend!” slurred Amethyst, who by this point was thoroughly drunk.

I walked over to the girl, holding out my hand for a handshake. She took it, smiling. “I like your hair. Although I would personally recommend that you do not dye it too often. Hair dye, like other cosmetics and personal care products, is not regulated for safety. Roughly 400 out of the 456 hair color ranked at the Skin Deep cosmetics database of the Environmental Working Group are considered high hazard, which means they contain toxic ingredients linked to cancer, developmental and reproductive toxicity, neurotoxicity, immunotoxicity, organ toxicity, not to mention allergies and irritation of the eyes, skin or lungs.”

She chuckled. “Woah, thanks for the info dump. Your hair is pretty too.” 

“Why thank you! This is my natural color. I dyed it pink previously, to honor someone who died who used to dye it pink, but I decided not to when I heard of the ill effects.”

“Oi! Pink hair girl!” screamed Amethyst. “She's gay for you!”

I blushed. “You'll have to excuse her, she's drunk. My name is Pearl.”

“I'm Sheena. Funny name, I know.”

We laughed together. “Hey, I gotta go now,” she says. “But before I go, I want you to have this.”

She handed me a piece of paper. I anxiously read it. Feeling like I was about to float, I realized that it was her phone number.


	5. The Beginnings of a Romace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl and Sheena go out on a date.

The next day, I went to church and came home determined to talk to Sheena. I had already entered her number into my contacts list. I called her, then panicked and hung up before she could answer. I opted to instead text her.

**You: Hi, this is Pearl, the girl you met last night at the concert. I was wondering if you would like to hang out sometime?**

**Sheena: hi, I'd love to. When do you wanna hang?**

**You: Well, I'm working nine to five all days except Sunday, so any time that I'm not at work is okay for me.**

**Sheena: screw it im impatient**

**Sheena: are you doing anything today?**

**You: No**

**Sheena: big donut at twelve noon?**

**You: Yes, that sounds wonderful. I will meet you there.**

I glanced at the clock. Eleven. I decided I had better start getting ready. I had another shower, taking care to make sure my hair was perfect, and got dressed into my favorite cyan dress.

By quarter to twelve Amethyst was still in bed, so I quickly scrawled her a note.

_Dear Amethyst,_

_I didn't want to wake you up because I knew you would be hungover, but I have a date with Sheena. I'll be in the Big Donut if you need anything._

_Sincerely,_

_Pearl_

Rose was always late for dates, so I was surprised when Sheena arrived right on time. I had gotten there early, of course. It’s always better to be early than late.

We sat down together at a table and talked over donuts and apple juice. “So,” she began. “Did you like the concert last night?”

I shook my head. “No, my roommate forced me to come.”

“Oh, is she the one that got drunk and told me you were into me?”

“Yes, her name is Amethyst. She’s normally not that bad. So, where do you work?”

She chuckled. “Currently unemployed and mooching off my roommate. Though I can’t be sure how long it’ll be before I get kicked out for that.”

“Perhaps you should apply for the hotel I work for. They get applications back fast.”

“Yeah, might try that. So, what do you do in your spare time?”

“Oh, I enjoy sewing and reading. What about you?”

“Eh, mostly gay stuff. Speaking of which, on a scale of one to ten, how gay are you?”

“Umm…”

She leaned in closer and saw my blush. “Pearl, what’s your full name?”

I went even redder. “Umm....do you want my legal name or my preferred name?”

“Your preferred name.”

I gulped. “Pink Pearl. But I prefer to be called by my last name.”

“Alright.” She laughed. “Pink Pearl, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

I felt my cheeks going even redder. “Do-Do you want me to be?”

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“Well then,” she said with a grin. “Starting now, you are.”

And she leaned in to kiss me.

For just a moment, as our lips touched, I stared at her pink hair, it was like I had Rose back.

Amethyst was finally awake when I got home. “I saw your note,” she muttered. “Who's Sheena?”

“The girl I met last night.”

“Wait, you met a girl last night?! I was too drunk to remember anything, ugh.”

“Yeah...I met a girl. We're dating now. Is it alright if she comes over tomorrow night after I finish work?”

“Eh, as long as she's not a jerk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as an FYI, the next few chapters are mostly a combination of shipping and Pearl and Amethyst fighting. I know some people hate shipfics, and I also know that since I'm one of those people the shipping probably isn't very well written. If you don't want to bother with the shipping, just skip to chapter 9.


	6. Replacable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst meets Pearl's girlfriend for the first time when she's not completely drunk, and she points out the elephant in the room.

Sheena gets off work at two in the afternoon, so she spent some time preparing to come over before picking me up at the hotel. I rode on her motorcycle, which was nothing like Rose's car. 

We spent a whole hour just talking and hugging and kissing and generally messing around. We even had a pillow fight. I had previously only had pillow fights with Rose and my sisters.

Then at six, Amethyst came home. “Hi P. Where's -”

Her face turned into a frown as she saw Sheena. “Hello,” she said coldly. “You must be Pearl’s girlfriend.”

“I am,” said Sheena, equally coldly. “You must be Pearl’s roommate.”

As Amethyst walked off, Sheena burst into laughter. “Gee, someone's jealous!”

Somehow I doubted that was the case.

After Sheena left, I started making dinner with Amethyst. We were silent, silent in an unnerving way. At last, I broke the silence by saying, “So...what do you think of Sheena?”

“Oh, she looks familiar, alright.”

I blinked. “Do you two...know each other?”

She sighed. “Look, P, I dunno if I was too drunk to notice at the concert, but this ain't healthy.”

“What do you mean?”

“You're just using her to replace Rose! For God’s sake, she looks just like her!”

I glared. “She's tall and has pink hair, so what? Not everything is about how a girl looks. Don't be so superficial.”

That night, I thought of Rose. 

I thought of everything we did together. Meeting when we were both six. Defending me from bullies. Playing games where I was the valiant knight and she was the princess I saved.

Then middle school. Encouraging her to dye her hair. Falling in love with her. Finally getting the courage to ask her out. Being her boyfriend.

High school. Telling her about Papa and the Philippines. Coming out to her. Living with her.

Would Sheena and I ever have that kind of connection?

Then I thought about all the things I didn't do with Rose. Getting married. Growing old together. 

_ This is my second chance. _


	7. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl bonds more with Sheena.

“Person with autism? Pfft, I'm an autism with humanity!”

I chuckled slightly. “I personally prefer to say that I’m on the autism spectrum, but I understand what you mean. And what about those autism moms that say they have an ‘autistic family’ because they have five kids and one of them is autistic?”

Peridot grinned. “That’s even worse than the cis men that say ‘we’re pregnant’ because their wife is.”

“Trust the allistics to make everything about them.”

“I know right!” She giggled. “Finally, someone who  _ gets  _ me.”

“Yes, it is nice,” I muttered. “Lunch is almost over. We’ll have to get back to work soon.”

“Ah damn. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. See you!”

“Bye!” I muttered as I walked back into the hotel. I grabbed a vacuum and started vacuuming the floor in one of the rooms. My mind was on Sheena as I mindlessly vacuumed. 

“Let me take care of this room.”

I turned sharply. I saw a tall, dark-skinned woman with vaguely cube-shaped hair, wearing sunglasses that covered her face, jeans, and a leather jacket over a black shirt with a pink star on it.

“Uhh...are you new here?” I stammered.

She shook her head. “I don’t even work here. I’m a teacher at the local middle school. But my mum works here, so sometimes I come down to help out. My name’s Garnet.”

“Pearl…” I mumbled, shying away. I left the vacuum and exited the room, moving to clean another room. I swept up the floors and made the beds, finished my shift, and Sheena picked me up.

Since the argument I had had with Amethyst, I had been trying to avoid letting her come into contact with Sheena too often. I was an early riser, while Sheena was most definitely not, and Amethyst was home just after six most nights, so we didn’t have much time to do stuff unless it was our day off. But from five PM to six PM - from when she picked me up on her motorbike after work to when we realized Amethyst was about to be home and she either gave me a lift home or left to her own house - that was our golden hour. 

I never used to do things in the evenings, but our golden hour was always the exception. Sometimes we would read together, or sew, or play instruments, or sing, but mostly we just talked. 

About everything and nothing. About how she was totally mooching off of her roommate and if she didn’t get a job soon she would be evicted. About how I didn’t understand why Amethyst hated her so much but I also didn’t want to start a fight. About how her parents had supposedly been okay with her being gay, but they had kicked her out as soon as she actually had a girlfriend.

Then we started talking about more serious things. About my past. About living in the Philippines. About Papa dying in a car crash. About my sisters. About coming out to my family. About having to stay with a friend for a few months because I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore.

There was one thing I didn’t tell her about, though. 

I didn’t tell her about how the ‘friend’ I stayed with after turning eighteen was my girlfriend, or about how she cheated on me with a man and then died giving birth to his child.

Even after dating her for three months, I never told her about Rose Quartz.


	8. Focus On The Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl, Sheena and Amethyst make plans for Christmas

“You’re joking.” 

Sheena flashed me a smile as she saw my look of joy as I talked on the phone.

“I-I’m not,” replied my sister’s quiet, soft-spoken voice. “I really am…”

“When are you…?”

“Sometime in May. I’m sorry for not telling you before now.”

I grinned as I hung up. “What is it?” asked Sheena.

“My sister’s pregnant!”

“That's amazing! Which one?”

“Blue,” I answered. “It's amazing, she’s so shy. I always thought she would be the last one in our family to get pregnant.” I forced a laugh. “Well, apart from me, of course.”

“Do you want a lift to her house?” asked Sheena. 

I chuckled. “You mean a lift to the train station? Remember, she lives in Homeworld.”

She sighed. “Oh yeah, I forgot how far she was. I guess you’ll still be meeting up with them for Thanksgiving and Christmas, though.”

I shook my head. “We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, remember? We’ll meet up for Christmas though.”

“Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about your family. It’s a little sad, though…”

She leaned in closer. “I was hoping you could spend Christmas with me.”

I felt my cheeks going red. “Well, you do have to spend the day with your family…”

“What family? I’m an only child and my parents kicked me out.”

“Oh…” I mumbled. “Well...Amethyst will be back soon, so you’d better get going. But...I’ll ask my sisters if you can come.”

Later, as I ate dinner, I felt nothing but regret. Why had I said I would ask my sisters? As far as they knew, I was still dating Rose. They didn’t know about the cheating, or the breakup, or the death. 

Still, I had made a promise to Sheena. Besides, I would have to tell them at some point. I finished up dinner and started messaging Blue.

**You: Hello, Blue...in light of the pregnancy announcement, I would like you to do me a favor.**

**Blue Pearl: what is it?**

**You: I have a confession to make**

**You: I lack the courage to tell the others, so I was hoping you could show them these messages after I’ve told you.**

**Blue Pearl: ok what is it?**

**You: Rose and I broke up some time ago. I never had the strength to tell you.**

**You: I don’t want to discuss the details, but I have a new girlfriend now.**

**You: Her name is Sheena and her family kicked her out for being gay.**

**You: She does not want to spend Christmas alone.**

**You: Could she possibly stay with us for the holidays?**

**Blue Pearl: i showed the others**

**Blue Pearl: they said she can come**

**You: Thank you ever so much. She will be delighted to hear the news.**

Telling her the truth felt like more of a lie than keeping it a secret. Maybe that was because I had omitted so many details. As far as Blue knew, I had moved to Beach City to be closer to Rose, we had broken up over an argument, and she was still alive and well. In reality, I had found out about Rose cheating on me over two years ago and it might have well been going on for a year before I knew, and she was dead.

Still, I had something left to do.

**You: I have told my sisters about your situation. They said you are permitted to spend Christmas with us.**

**Sheena Williams: thank u so much baby! <3**

**You: I love you too <3**

The next day I asked Amethyst what she was planning to do for Christmas after she got home from work. She shrugged. “Normally my fam just goes to Homeworld for a few days. From Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. My sisters live there. Got a few cousins there too.”

“I’m going to Homeworld too,” I said. “For my sisters.”

“Cool, we can take the train together. But my old roommate Jas has to come with me, for some reason. She’s a huge jerk, so beware.”

“Umm, actually,” I muttered. “I guess it’s best if you bring someone I don’t like, because I’m bringing…”

She groaned. “Don’t tell me it’s Rose 2.0.”

“Please don’t call her that! Her parents kicked her out! If I don’t bring her, she’ll spend Christmas all alone!”

She sighed. “Look, P, I don’t think anyone should have to celebrate Christmas all alone and I’m glad you’re inviting her. I just wish you were doing it as friends, instead of as girlfriends.”

I glared. “And why do you think that?”

“Because this isn’t healthy, P!” she snapped. “She looks  _ exactly  _ like Rose! You only like her because she reminds you of your dead ex!”

“So?!” I snapped. “So what if she’s like Rose?! What if I just have a  _ type?” _

“Well, one,” said Amethyst nonchalantly. “You’re using her. You’re not valuing her as a person. That’s not love. And, two, one day you’re going to find out she’s actually nothing like Rose. And I don’t know if you can handle that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. My love life is none of your business.”


	9. Irreplacable

Honesty is the best policy. 

Not because of some sappy explanation about how people deserve the truth or because it’s the right thing to do. Honesty is the best policy because, inevitably, the lies you tell and the secrets you keep will come back to haunt you.

Yes, I did include secrets. I’m not saying you have to tell your entire life story and all your deepest secrets to everyone you meet. You should absolutely keep secrets, except in the following two circumstances:

  1. The secret affects the person you’re hiding it from significantly enough that they may make decisions that harm them that they would not have done if they knew the secret
  2. The person you’re hiding it from will inevitably find out the secret at some point, at which point they will most likely be upset that you hid it from them for so long



There were many examples in my life of secrets that should not have been secrets. The first happened around two years ago.

Rose had told me she was bi, and I knew she was interested in polyamory. We had agreed that she could do whatever she wished while she was in Beach City as long as I knew about it. 

The problem was that she didn’t want to tell Greg about me.

So, she didn’t.

She was in love with him before they started dating, and when he finally asked her out, she was worried that finding out about me would cause him to break up with her. As she later explained, she viewed Greg and me as being equal, and she thought it would be unfair to tell me about him while not telling him about me.

That was her reasoning. It does not excuse what she did, but it is an explanation of why she did it.

An explanation, not an excuse.

The next secret that shouldn’t have been kept was about Rose as well.

When I found out about the cheating, I was just so utterly heartbroken that I couldn’t bring myself to think about it. Obviously, I couldn’t tell my sisters about it without thinking about it.

I didn’t want to lie and say it was my baby, so I just didn’t tell them about Rose’s pregnancy.

Then came her death. I really wanted to tell my sisters about that, but it felt disrespectful to lie about the cause of death. And of course, telling them about the cheating would involve them wanting to know why I had kept it a secret for so long. So I just didn’t tell them.

As I’ve said, Sheena and I would go on dates on Sundays sometimes, or even Saturday night if I was willing to sleep in until six the next day. But our main source of fun together was our ‘golden hour’, on Mondays through to Saturdays, starting at five PM when she picked me up from work and took me to either my house or her house, and ending at around six PM when she either left for her own house or gave me a lift home.

One of the things we sometimes did in our ‘golden hour’ was messing around with makeup. Trying different looks, smearing each other’s cheeks with eyeshadow and starting an eyeshadow war, and doing each other’s makeup terribly for fun.

The day after one of these ‘makeup golden hours’, during our ‘golden hour’, we were talking. 

“Hey,” she asked. “Do you have the pics from yesterday?”

I handed her my phone, since by this point she knew my password. “Just look through my photos until you find them.”

She scrolled through my photos for a while, then a look of confusion and disgust came over her face.

“Pearl,” she asked, shoving a photo of Rose Quartz into my face. “Who’s this?”


	10. The Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheena finds out about Rose

“Oh, umm…” I muttered.

She glared. “Have you been cheating on me?!”

“No, I -”

“Then who is -”

_ “She's dead!”  _ I snapped.

Instantly her features softened. “I'm so sorry,” she muttered. “If you don't mind me asking...who was she?”

I hesitated. “Her name was Rose.”

“How did you know her?”

“We met...in grade one. After I moved here. We were best friends all through elementary and middle school. We started dating in year eight.”

“Sounds like you two were pretty close.”

“We were...We really were.”

A tear fell down my cheek.

“How did she die?”

More tears. “Around two years ago, I found out she was cheating on me. With a man. We broke up, but we were still friends. But the man who she cheated on me with...They stayed together. He got her pregnant, and she died giving birth.”

“Gee...That must have been really hard for you.”

I nodded. “You...You look just like her…”

She cringed at my words and stood up, sighing. “Pearl, I love you...but I don't think you love me. I think you still only love Rose.”

I felt my breathing quicken. “What do you mean?”

“I would love to start again, maybe in a few years, but for now...This isn't healthy... I'm sorry, Pearl. I'm breaking up with you.”

My mind was racing. I finally had Rose back and now she was leaving again. “No!” I screamed frantically. “Please, don't break up with me!”

And then, in my desperation, I said something I shouldn't have said.

I'm not going to try and say that what I said was in any way acceptable, because it wasn't. It was manipulative, controlling, and borderline abusive. I am going to say only one thing in my defense: at the time, I honestly, genuinely felt like it was the truth. 

What I said was this:

“Sheena, if you break up with me, I'll...I'll kill myself!” 

Then, in one swift moment, her empathetic face turned into a glare. “You've got to be fucking kidding me.” 

Her voice was so icy, so quiet, so emotionless yet so full of fury. “I - I-” I stuttered.

“That is so manipulative. Like a rat. You’re just a dirty rat.”

“Please…”

“What do you want me to do?” she demanded. 

“Stay with me…” I breathed 

“Oh,” she seethed. “so you want me to stay with you? You want me to know that you don't really love me and hate every second of it but be too scared to leave? You want me to be constantly scared that if I slip up one time and don't devote my life to your happiness then I'll be responsible for your death? Because that's not love, Pearl, that's emotional abuse!”

I hung my head in defeat.

“That's what I thought,” she said in disgust, and the next thing I knew, I could hear the door slamming and the sound of her motorcycle engine whirring as she drove off.


	11. On the Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl is left unable to cope after the breakup with Sheena

I stared at her as she rode off, aghast. Even once she was out of sight I lacked the strength necessary to move. I stood there, motionless.

After a few minutes, Amethyst came back. “Yo, P, you okay?” she asked. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“She found out.” I choked.

“What?”

“She found out about Rose.”

“I told you that would happen. Did you have a fight?”

I nodded. “She said it was unhealthy.”

“It kinda was.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“It’s only six.”

“I don’t care.”

I didn’t tell her about how I had tried to manipulate Sheena into staying by threatening suicide. I was starting to feel like my life was just a series of half-truths and omitted details. 

Still, not caring that I hadn't eaten since lunch and it was only six, I went to bed. 

The next morning, at five, I didn't wake up.

I didn't wake up until eight-thirty, when Amethyst was standing over me.

“Dude, the house isn't clean and you didn't wake me up. Are you sick?”

Now that she mentioned it, I did feel awful. “Yes, I think I'll be calling in sick for work.” 

“Okay...don't you want me to, like, stay home and take care of you?”

I shook my head. She shrugged. “Okay, have you eaten?”

“Yes,” I lied.

“Okay, I'll see you tonight.”

I felt guilty about lying to my work, but I didn't have the strength to get up. I stayed in bed until the boredom became unbearable. I checked my phone. It was four PM and I had a whole host of messages.

**Peridot: WHERE ARE YOU?**

**Peridot: NEVERMIND I ASKED SAPPHIRE**

**Peridot: SORRY IF I WOKE YOU UP**

**Yellow Pearl: hey can you help me plan xmas presents for Blue?**

**Yellow Pearl: uhh pink?**

**Yellow Pearl: are you ever gonna respond?**

**Amethyst: hey u doing ok?**

I answered none of them. I stood up, then immediately sat back down on the bed. I felt weak and lightheaded. Then I remembered I hadn’t eaten anything in the past twenty-four hours. The water bottle I kept next to my bed at night was empty, so I couldn’t be sure exactly how long I had gone without drinking anything.

I went to the kitchen to drink some water, and then ate some food. The more I recovered, the more I felt like I was wrong about Beach City. Like it wasn’t my safe space at all. Like the longer I stayed in Beach City, the more breakups I would have, and the worse it would get, and suddenly I was overwhelmed by an urge to get away. 

I quickly scribbled down a note for Amethyst.

_ Dear Amethyst, _

_ I’m going for a walk to clear my head.  _

_ Please don’t call the police or report me missing if I’m gone for a few days. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Pearl _

With that in mind, I set off.


	12. Home Sweet Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl goes for a walk.

Where was I going? I honestly didn't have the faintest clue. All I knew was that I needed to leave. I turned my phone off and ran for it.

I walked through the streets of Beach City until I no longer recognized the terrain. Ocean City. I wanted to go further, but night was falling. I couldn't afford a hotel room. I found a tree and slept leaning against it. 

I woke up feeling terrible. My head ached from dehydration and caffeine withdrawals, my muscles were exhausted from the walk. I considered just calling Amethyst and asking her for a lift. I shook away the thought. After how I outright manipulated Sheena, I deserved to suffer.

_ Dehydration might kill me, though,  _ I found myself thinking. I wasn't in any danger of dehydrating soon, but if I was going to be out here for days then I would have to get some.

_ Or I could just die. _

I decided that I would let God decide if I deserved to live. If He wanted me alive, then it was His responsibility to help me.

I stood up and, shakily, continued walking.

When my legs refused to carry me any further, I allowed myself another rest. Bracing myself to be bombarded by messages, I turned my phone on.

**Amethyst Quartz: saw ur note**

**Amethyst Quartz: good prank now where r u?**

**Amethyst Quartz: dude did u sleep outside last night**

**Amethyst Quartz: ok i can see ur giving me the silent treatment so ud better b back when i get home from work**

**Amethyst Quartz: ok thats it**

**Amethyst Quartz: u have until midnight 2 tell me u have food and water or im calling 911**

**You: I apologise for worrying you. Contacting the authorities will be necessary, however I would like if you would be able to pick me up and bring me some food and water**

**Amethyst Quartz: dude u scared me**

**Amethyst Quartz: never do that again**

**Amethyst Quartz: where r u?**

**You: Crystal City**

**Amethyst Quartz: uv gotta b kiddin me**

**Amethyst Quartz: u WALKED 2 crystal city?!?!??**

**Amethyst Quartz: r u trying 2 kill ur self?**

_ Yes,  _ I thought. 

I waited for her dirty grey car to drive into view. She parked a few feet away from me and I got in, swinging the door closed behind me. 

“Well?” she asked. “You've been gone for two days!”

“Sorry,” I muttered. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Just don't do that...I was scared you were dead.”

The house was filthy when I got home, as expected. I would clean it in the morning. For now, I had to apologize for my unexplained absence from work. Gulping, I called Sapphire. 

“I apologize for not being at work today,” I began. “I -”

“Your mental health is going downhill and you need to take a few days off.”

“I -”

“Don't come in tomorrow. You can take the whole week off if you need to.”

I was about to respond when she hung up. I didn't bother calling back. Then I remembered that it was Amethyst’s day off tomorrow. 


	13. The Calm Before The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl gets buzzed...maybe even ~slightly~ drunk.

Now, as much as I try to ensure that every part of this recount is accurate from my point of view, I cannot tell you accurately from my perspective what happened the next day.

The reason is simple: I was completely drunk and have no memory of the event.

For the sake of giving you a clear view of what has happened, I will give the point of view over to Amethyst, who was relatively sober at the time, for the duration of this chapter. 

Anyway, so it was my day off and P was staying home. I woke up at like 10 and went to go check on P. She said she wanted to get drunk and gave me some money to buy alcohol. I walked down to the store and bought some vodka.

Now, normally if there's vodka then I'm drinking it, but that was when I could trust P to stay sober and stop me from getting myself killed. 

Considering she already wasn't in the right mind after her ‘walk’ the last two days, I drank a little, but not even enough to get buzzed, let alone drunk.

It was around 11 AM when she came up with this wonderful idea:

“Hey, I should girl my ex callfriend!”

“Oh no,” I muttered under my breath. 

A second later she was holding the phone to her ear. “I still looooo -”

I took the phone out of her hand. “Sorry,” I said to Sheena. “Pearl's drunk. This is her roommate talking.”

“Thanks for taking her phone,” said Sheena’s voice. “Bye.” 

She hung up. I realized P was gone. I looked for her in the kitchen and found her shoving her hands in the microwave. “What are you doing?!” I asked as I pulled her hands out.

“The microwave isn't pridging!”

“Isn't what?” I asked.

“Pridging!” she repeated, pointing at the fridge. I finally got it.

“It's not meant to. We have a fridge for that.”

She ran her hand through her hair, then decided she needed a hat and stumbled out of the room. I followed her into the living room to see that she was now wearing a fedora.

She saw a painting of a horse on the wall and glared at it. “Go away, horse. Nobody likes you.”

“It’s a painting of a horse. It doesn’t understand English.”

_ “PUMUNTA KABAYO!” _

She grabbed the painting off of the wall and threw it onto the ground. Then she tried to run her fingers through her hair and realized she was wearing a hat. She looked in the mirror on the wall. “Oh my God! I’m wearing a hat!” She turned to me, tried to remember my name, then gave up. “Grey shirt girl! Do you know what this means?”

“No,” I said blankly.

“Who else wears a hat?”

“Ash Ketchum?”

“HERLOCK SHOLMES!”

“Oh God no…”

“I’m Sherlock Holmes! The on is game! The game is apoot!”

She ran out of the room. I followed her into the kitchen. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” I asked.

“Puck off! I’m cluing for looks!”

“...Right.”

She stumbled back out to the living room, gasping as she saw the painting she had thrown onto the floor on the floor. “Someone’s broken into the house!”

I was about to correct her, then decided to go along with it. “Do you know who?”

“Elementary, my dear Moriarty. Prom the shape of the pingerprints, I can discern that the breaker-enterer is a white male between the ages of 25-45, probably a loner, probably most depinitely hates women, probably drives a red late model dodge truck, probably lives alone, his mom’s name is Helen and his pavorite color skittles are the red ones!”

She then kneeled over, puked on the floor and stood up. “My kidneys!” she yelled.

“What about them?” I asked, starting to worry. 

“They’re the wrong color!”

I sighed. 

“I’m gonna case the solve! Don’t be lasagna!” she babbled uselessly.

I rolled my eyes. “Look, P, you’re not actually Sherlock. You’re just pretending to be him.”

“So...I’m Benedict Cumberbatch!”

“No! That’s not what I meant at all!”

She ignored me and tried to go to the kitchen but instead walked directly into a wall. She groaned, holding her head. “I...I think I need to retire to my  _ bed _ -enict slumber patch.”

She stumbled off to bed, leaving me to clean up after her.


	14. The Storm

I awoke the next day with a horrible hangover and a blank spot in my memory. I woke up to see if Amethyst had gone to work yet. She hadn’t. She grinned at the sight of me. “I’m guessing you don’t remember anything?”

I gulped; my last memory involved asking her to get vodka for me. “I didn’t do anything bad, did I?”

“Uh, you threw up on the floor a few times and threw a horse painting on the ground, but no damage done. Mostly it was just funny.” 

“How so?”

“Dude, you pretended to be Sherlock Holmes for a bit, and then got tired and said you were going to your  _ bed _ -enict slumber patch.”

“I suppose that is rather humorous.”

She stood up. “I’ve gotta go to work now, but I’m guessing you’re too hungover. See you at six.”

As she exited the room, I filled up a bottle of water to drink from in an attempt to recover from my hangover and went back to bed.

For the second time in a week, I woke up at four in the afternoon. 

I had mostly recovered from my hangover. I wondered what to do with the remaining two hours before Amethyst was due to get back. I supposed I could read a book.

_ Or you could just kill yourself. _

I shook away the thought, then stopped myself. Why shouldn’t I? 

Was there anything that I was actually enjoying, or going to enjoy? Reading was an activity to kill time, not something I looked forward to. My whole life had basically become about killing time between work and food.

Would anyone miss me? In retrospect, I feel sure that my sisters would, but at the time I didn't think of them. Amethyst and Peridot would be upset at first, but they would recover quickly. And Sheena would be glad to see me gone. Now that I thought about it, there was nobody who loved me.

Then I remembered.

There was someone who loved me.

And then she cheated on me.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by the desire, the  _ need  _ to see Rose again. Not just see her, but talk to her, touch her, kiss her, be  _ with  _ her.

There was only one way to do that.

With trembling fingers, I wrote a note.

_ Dear Amethyst,  _

_ I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly like this. _

_ I need to be with Rose again. It's not like I have anything to live for here or anyone would miss me. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Pearl _

I stood nervously at the end of the cliff, peering over the edge at the water below. I never did learn to swim. After moving to America, I grew up in the city, where the ocean was hours away. We would sometimes try to teach me to swim at public pools, but it would always end in disaster.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and jumped.


	15. Epilogue

Jumping is the last thing I remember before I woke up in hospital. 

There was a lifeguard working at the beach who saved me just after I lost consciousness. She came to visit me afterwards. Her name is Lapis Lazuli. One of the things about living in a small town is that everybody knows everybody; it turns out that Lapis is also Peridot’s roommate, Amethyst’s cousin’s ex, Sapphire’s wife’s niece’s sister-in-law, Blue’s sister-in-law, and Rose’s son’s babysitter.

I’ve been in hospital since the attempt. Not from the physical effects; they were relatively mild. Once I was stable enough that I would have been discharged if I fell into the water by accident, I was transferred to the psych ward. I’ve been here since then.

It’s incredibly boring here. One of the few things I’m allowed to do is write so that’s basically all I’ve been doing. Amethyst wrote chapter thirteen a while ago when she was visiting.

Honestly...I still want to be in Beach City. But I also want to go back to Homeworld.

What I really want is to have Rose back, but she’s gone now. God, it hurts to write that. I would give so much to have her back...but I can’t. And now I know that trying to replace her can only end in disaster.

I still miss her so, so much, and I still resent Greg and Steven for taking her from me. But once I’m discharged from here, I think I’ll talk to Greg. Maybe he’s changed. Even if he hasn’t, I still want to be a part of Steven’s life.

I still don’t feel like I’ve recovered. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to recover.

But at the very least, I’m trying.


End file.
